Wit - no wisdom?

Some things are just plain funny, and it doesn't matter if we learn a lesson from them...therefore, I shall plow ahead and tell the stories without any particular purpose but to share them. I do hope that you laugh (or at least smile).

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Proverbs

Underpants sometimes fit better when you put them on backwards.
Swimming pools are giant bathtubs that you do not drain but must keep immaculately clean at all times.
Dogs are antidotes to boredom.
This morning I discovered accidentally that my underpants fit better when I put them on backwards.  It does make sense though, considering the shifting of my innards.  My back side is sliding down and becoming part of my thighs, and my lower belly jilts and tilts outward awkwardly, obliterating what used to be my slim waistline.  So go for it girls, try your underpants on backwards.  If you’re anything like me, it might be a revelation.  I couldn’t speak for men on this topic, they’ll have to discover their own truth.
Don’t put in a swimming pool.  Really, don’t.  We didn’t, but we did buy a home that already had a pool, and all we could say was okay, we’ll figure that out.  You can’t imagine how much time and money an in ground swimming pool can swallow down its main drain, not to mention the skimmer, both of which you will pay to tear up and replace, along with filters, pumps and sundry equipment.  Today I had the pleasure of hanging out down there after a typical rainstorm where literally thousands of leaves were blown into the pool, along with twigs and acorns.  It is late September, so we are obviously not swimming, but the pool is still open and a maintenance nightmare.  Just in case you were planning on putting in a pool or even wondering how nice that would be…STOP.  Please, before you go do something you will always regret, think of this.  Imagine owning a giant bathtub.  You fill it once, and the water is pricey, indeed.   For months you all take a bath in it, without ever draining the tub.  Now imagine the immense amount of work to keep that giant bathtub clean, without draining it, even though lots of people use it and many things fall into it.  Are you starting to get the picture?  First, you dump huge amounts of environmentally unfriendly chemicals into it, which cost about the same amount as your monthly electric bill.  Then you jack up your monthly electric bill by “filtering” the water regularly to keep it free of debris, while it is OUT IN THE OPEN SITTING IN YOUR BACK YARD WITH TREES AROUND IT.  Did I mention the debris?  A pretty little leaf, blown by a sweet wind towards the pool edge, and you find yourself lurching towards it to prevent it from becoming part of the never ending pool cleaning scene…yes that ten minute swim sure felt good, didn’t it?  Right after the ninety minute maintenance session.  Final tip – join a pool, take a shower, or if you must, must put in a pool, make sure it is indoors.  But that’s another story, and those who have an indoor pool will have to give their version of the Giant Bathtub Escapades.
We currently have four dogs; let’s call them the leftovers, from when we had seven dogs.  No matter what else I have on my calendar, I always have the daily antics and activities of the group.  We have rescued elderly, disabled, or otherwise unwanted dachshunds.  Not a winner in the bunch, sorry, pups.  Don’t try lying in bed in the morning, because the barking begins at dawn.  Someone has to go out, or at least, they bark because they barked yesterday at dawn, so it must be the same, right?  A slight linger in bed can be disastrous; Roxie can’t hold back on anything (old war injury) so you’ll be cleaning that up as you let the others out.  During breakfast they will take turns going in and out, except for when they lick Tom’s cereal bowl, which he makes a huge production of, and frankly, is gross.  I just woke up for heaven’s sake, stop annoying me!  Once Tom leaves for the office more barking until I feed them, it’s a choreographed dance to feed four prancing pixies, one of whom might poop again, because she is so excited and can’t hold it…clean up again.  Next, do the laundry which consists largely of dog blankets and rags from clean up.  Take out the smelly poop garbage.  Dogs take turns going out again, after all they just ate.  I can’t get anything done around here!  Nor can I read the paper or check emails without punctuations of barking and the going in and going out scene again.  To spare you the details, this goes on all day.  And just in case you think it ends when they finally go to bed, no, it doesn’t.  Most nights there is a spate of barking, unpredictable, but you better get up and check it out.  Possible causes:  Daphne got her head caught in a hole in the blanket, Roxie pooped again and they are all grossed out until you clean it up, Max growled at somebody but no one knows why, so they all bark, or a leaf dropped outside and they all woke up to tell us about it.  I actually think toddlers who wouldn’t stay in bed were more tolerable, although I admit I did find that exasperating.